Monday, October 15, 2012


About an hour or so ago, it was announced that Christian Aguilar's body was thoroughly identified. He is gone.

I saw his brother today, for the first time in a few weeks. We do not speak of course, and he doesn't know me, but I feel maybe he's aware of all the eyes that watch him when he walks into classrooms and through the hallways. It would be polite to look away, but I'm just another rude fucker who can't mind their own business.

I think they're moving him around now, so he doesn't have to go back to the same classes, and face the people that knew him before this all took place. Though he probably won't be coming back to AP English, he'll be switching into my statistics class. His girlfriend is my classmate there, so maybe some things were arranged so he could have someone to spend time with in throughout the school day. I really wouldn't know.

He walked into second period today with a friend as we were all studying for the quiz. His eyes were watery but not red. He started to speak but his voice was cut off and slashed in two by each short, shuddered breath he took. It took him a moment to expel a few sentences out in just a breath of air--like he couldn't make himself speak for long.

In the morning announcements, him and two family members appeared, thanking everyone for the benefit concert that had been held on Sunday. He looked the same--cut-and-slashed words and watery eyes.

I can't tell if he's been crying or he's been holding it all in since they got the news of his brother's disappearance almost a month ago. 

Anyone who is sane and reading this probably thinks right now I'm getting creepy obsessive. That I'll start to idolize him as someone else entirely and make up a scenario where we connect because of his tragedy.

But no, don't worry. I won't do that. I really don't know anything about him, I really never spoke to him before and so there probably is no reason for us to be friends now if we weren't acquainted in the past.

It's just that if I ever catch his eye, I know I'm going to involuntarily imagine what it's like to be looking out of his gaze at a world that kept moving onward, even if his life had paused and then changed forever.

I hope one day he'll be okay.

And I don't know what more to say aside from that. 
"Science and science fiction have done a kind of dance over the last century... The scientists make a finding. It inspires science fiction writers to write about it, and a host of young people read the science fiction and are excited, and inspired to become scientists...which they do, which then feeds again into another generation of science fiction and science..."
- Carl Sagan, in his message to future explorers of Mars.