Sunday, December 30, 2012

Moving Forward (Blindly)

Now playing: Garbage - Stupid Girl, Shut Your Mouth, Only Happy When It Rains, I Think I'm Paranoid, and Push It

Welp, a few weeks ago I was obsessing over Type O Negative. It changed this week, as was expected. I think Garbage just makes me want to be a really awesome 19-26 year old without a job but a ton of wit, snark, and sense of adventure.


Anyways, on to the post.

Pretty awesome Christmas, I gotta say. My parents got me every book I asked for, so now when I look over at my clustered, tiny bookshelf, I can see the Millennium Trilogy, Sprawl Trilogy, the first Hyperion book, Ringworld, and Atlas Shrugged--although apparently Carpathia accidentally also got me this book and now it must be somewhere in the mail. But it's alright, I'll leave one copy here (just so my mum can read it) and take Carp's copy to college and either impress or freak out a good chunk of the students. I mean, isn't Atlas Shrugged a pretty bloody polarizing book?

Although, speaking of college...

Two weeks ago, either on a Saturday or Sunday I logged onto my FSU account to check the status. I'd gotten an email a few days earlier saying that the acceptance/rejections had been announced, but for some reason, I hadn't really been motivated enough to check online. On last, last week's Saturday, just on a whim, I decide to see if there was anything on my profile.

So I log in, am confused because I accidentally scrolled to the bottom of the page, go up to see I've been mistakenly classified as a non-Florida resident, make a mental note to change that, then I see the "congrats! You're accepted."

And I just stared at the screen for a few minutes before calling Carla and asking her to explain to me if I was accepted.

Oh and if she was accepted as well, because I needed to know that too.

And...yeah, we got in. Although I accidentally signed in for the summer term. I'm not sure what Carla signed up for, but if she went for fall, this whole "travel to Tallahassee on a bus together and run around Orlando for two hours during transfer" might not work so well.

The acceptance letter (or...well... sentence) meant a lot of things. One being that now, for sure, without a doubt, I am leaving Miami. Florida International University had kind of been my backup plan because it was an easy thing to do. I could live at home, could have my Florida-prepaid as well as financial aid pay it all off, etc. The classes would surely be a little harder, sure, but it'd just feel like another year of high school.

Now, leaving my parents and little brother is a reality, and whether or not I go to the 120th something most populated city in the world, a small city in northern Florida, or a suburban town just an hour away from L.A, I'm still going to be far away from home. Granted, I could have chosen something riskier. After all, the Plan of Future Me is to go to the most populated cities of the United States and find my purpose, or self, or something. This is baby steps.

But it's still...weird. Weird to consider everything. I'm not really as freaked out as some kids are, and while I am questioning certain choices right now, I feel really excited about the upcoming year. I'm going to be leaving home before I'm even considered an adult, going to (most likely, if my credits get transferred without problem) be graduating with my Bachelor's before I can legally drink, and who knows what'll happen after that?

I've heard from a few people that I'm trying to grow up too quickly. In fact this is a sentiment shared a lot both by kids who participated in the Scholar's Program and those that refused to get into it. I've heard so many students say the Scholars kids are rushing through high school and college life.

But me? Growing up too quickly? That's being directed at the girl who doesn't want to learn how to drive and isn't choosing a financially fiscal and responsible career. I may be itching to graduate earlier than some, but I'm not exactly being mature. In fact, I think I spoke to my mom about this: I really just plan to be happy until I'm 35. Then I'll suffer some horrible mid, mid life crisis because I'll either be with a child or wishing to have children really soon, but I'll be in such a shithole that I'll regret everything I ever did in my life up until that point.

I can acknowledge that I'm being immature and idiotic, but I'm not doing anything about it. Because I'm an idiot! A child! I want to live in the now and be happy and stuff, while Future-Me pays for all my mistakes.

Admitting that makes me a horrible person, because you'd think since I am aware of my (current and future) errors, it means I'm in a sure path to make better choices. But I'm really not going to do it, because deep down, I'm hoping for the best. I really honestly hope that not getting a Masters, moving to big cities, and pursuing a career in writing will turn for the best.

Although...I'm questioning this whole "Not Getting a Masters" thing.

I mean, one, here's the pro: I don't have to invest hundreds of thousands of dollars in a degree that's really not going to do much for me. With what the Scholar's Program gave me, Florida Prepaid, financial aid, as and whatever I earn from a job I manage to snag while in college, I'm certain I can get out of university without being horribly in debt for the rest of my life. But if I pursue a graduate degree, I am (no doubt about it) going to end up paying off student loans for a long time. I know this is a reality that many people face without complaining, but if it gets to that, I'm not going to be able to run off with a Creative Writing degree and no consequences at all. I will suffer because of it.

But the thing is...if I pursue my Masters, I could do a number of things.

One would be to attempt to transfer to a top school in search of my masters, like University of Chicago, NYU, or UCLA. These three are great schools and they're in cities that I want to live in. Not only would being in a university make the transition easier, but I really do think I could learn a lot about writing from going to a top school. I know it's not needed, I know tons of people are great writers without classes, I know a good chunk of the population is convinced no one can "teach" you to be good at an art, no matter what it is.

But I think it would help me! I see my writing, I see how weak it is. I need as much help on it as I can, and sometimes anonymous internet criticism helps, but it's not really as structured and rigorous as an actual classroom.

That and--god, if my mother's reading this she'll start rolling her eyes right about now--I was watching the Lizzie Bennet Diaries and...well...

So I've figured that a majority of the people watching LBD are in their twenties, or at least late teens. Because of this, the episode New Jane hit close to home for a lot of people. Although I really liked it, it's not like I'm having any trouble coping with being away from home, so the episode wasn't some kind of wake up call. In fact, it was more like a reassurance. (Yeah, go out, live life, get out of your parent's house! :D)

No, the episode that's kind of making me twitch around and question my views on my future education is the most recent one. Although Wishing Something Universal focuses more on the fallout between Lizzie and Lydia, and only mentions Pemberely at the end, I'm more emotionally invested in this one than any other one because of what's happened to Lizzie. She has this option to go to San Francisco and shadow a great company because she's in graduate school. Maybe I'm really shooting myself in the foot by turning away so quickly from pursuing a higher education. I may be coming out of it with mountains of student debt, but maybe there'll be opportunities and networking I'm just not going to get anywhere else.

I guess I'm more scared about messing up than I pretend to be. I don't want to go down a path that will make me unhappy, but I can't pretend following my dreams isn't going to come back to bite me.

I realize the answer to this, like all things, could just be "find a balance" but to be honest...I don't know what that is. Even getting a minor in Creative Writing while majoring in business sounds like hell to me. And I know myself. I know if I try to major in something I have no interest in, my grades will plumet and I'll doom myself even more.

So on the one hand, I'm really excited about becoming a wild young adult released into a crazy world of opportunities. It's like this is all an adventure only 20-year-olds get to experience.

On the other...I think I'm about to become an adult really soon, but I am so not ready, as evident of my childlike (and possibly childish) way of thinking.

Gha! I've got like 2-4 years to figure this all out. Or maybe even less. Six months?

P.S: There's someone in this building with a wifi connection titled FSU Seminoles #1 and FSU Seminoles #1-guest. WHO IS THIS PERSON!?

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous12:36 AM

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"Science and science fiction have done a kind of dance over the last century... The scientists make a finding. It inspires science fiction writers to write about it, and a host of young people read the science fiction and are excited, and inspired to become scientists...which they do, which then feeds again into another generation of science fiction and science..."
- Carl Sagan, in his message to future explorers of Mars.