Monday, March 17, 2014

Anonymous

Oh Alex... Still a writer at heart. I’m sure it took you a good few days to write out everything, shifting through info you thought was needed to be known, and what to /hide/ from everyone else

I know I'm late on the weekly blog challenge. I was going to try and pick it up last Sunday, but it was my last day in Miami. Nothing strange happened Spring Break--I went to the dentist twice, shopped for clothes, and tried to ice skate Tuesday. I only fell once, so I guess that was an accomplishment, but I also didn't really slide that much. I don't know if the lack of sleep or constant flailing at the rink exhausted me by the time I got to Ren's house, but I knocked out the second I hit her bed while she and Silvia watched Catching Fire and The Devil's Carnival. Suffice to say, things were fairly uneventful, but I had fun Spring Break.

I got back late Sunday--traffic jam in I10 because of the storm sort of stretched out the journey. I took the safe bus from the GMG bus stop and to my dorm, said hi to my roommate, unpacked, took a shower, brushed my hair, and then went to bed.

I checked my emails first thing this morning, and was...surprised.
I suppose describing the little letter I got won't matter because it'd be impossible to explain why it had me grinning so much. It meant a lot to me, in a way, that someone had read a little thing I'd written to a fictional character and then decided to respond. I have no idea who wrote it, of course, but I'm very grateful he/she took the time. In between going to classes, playing the (early released!) new chapter of Rinmaru's Ascension, and worrying about food, I kept spacing out and trying to think of a way to reply. Aside from a "thank you," there wasn't much I could think to add.

This is nothing new. See, same thing happened when Emzy and I bonded over our fascination with a certain internet boogeyman. At the height of our Slender Man Mania, we decided to contribute a blog to the lore. It never got very far and isn't my best written work, but I do remember frustrating Emzy because I took forever in writing The Post. (Y'know, the one in every single Slender Man blog that pretty much establishes the fact that shit has hit the fan?). In her response post--the last thing we put up--she wrote that line up there to "Alex" my semi-but-not-really-alter ego.

So I haven't changed one bit. It took me most of the day to try and think a response to that email. It wasn't much, but I didn't want to take too long and have the writer believe I hadn't received it, hadn't read it, or just simply hadn't cared. I did, however, ask him/her if we'd ever spoken before. And in a way, I hope the answer is no.

I don't think my anonymous philosopher will be answering back or even checking this blog again. I imagine he/she wouldn't have reason to. Which is not a bad thing. Unlike fiction, life's greatest mysteries are those that remain unanswered. I mean, think about it, Jack the Ripper only killed a handful of people. His why or how don't matter, it's the who that drives people to obsesses over him. They both want and don't want to know who he is. As long as he's anonymous, he's immortal.

But okay, enough comparisons with notorious serial killers. That adds a hell of a creepy vibe to what I'm trying to say, which is basically: I don't expect to know who this person is, and in a way, I'm sort of alright with that. For the most part.

(Here's the part I start acting like an idiot. Move along, move along...)

I'm both grateful and worried about the email. Grateful because it was a very lovely response, perfectly funny and sweet, but worried because, sometime after my first class, I started thinking about the sender. And I had a guess as to who it might be. I hope to god I'm wrong. I mean, I probably am. I can usually recognize people's writing styles, and I didn't think I'd seen this particular kind of writing before, so it's more than likely this isn't anyone I know. I started overanalyzing it so much, I probably forced myself to see similarities there that either don't exist or are pure coincidences.

Still, I couldn't help it. I know we like to pretend words are words and they can stand on their own. But that's not the truth. The speakers matter. And I hate to use such a simplistic statement as an example, but if a man had kicked me, spat on me, made me feel worthless time after time and then one day--maybe long after we'd seen each other--he said, "You're very pretty," I would only feel sick to my stomach. It's very different from a stranger on the street just wandering up to me and saying the same thing. I may not know this stranger's past, his personality, and may never see him again, but I could smile at his words rather than recoil in disgust.

The person who hurt me not too long ago could have sent me a letter like that one. And to be honest, I don't think said person ever came to realize just how disgusting his behavior had often been towards me (and this is where Emzy comes in once more--she knew he was bad news from day one, and the things I reported to her didn't exactly help lessen that opinion).

I guess that's the pessimist in me. Only I could look at a sweet letter and then start freaking out about its sender.

Thankfully, I think the optimist in me is winning. I'm certain whoever sent it is actually just a really nice stranger. Or maybe it is someone I spoke with a long time ago--through emails, the RP forums, maybe YouTube or Twitter--and just wanted to drop me a line. Either way, it made me smile, and is still making me smile.

So I'll push stupid speculations away and feel happy I got the email in the first place. After all, what he/she said about characters and they way they live on within their writers is true; Dream'll never die--as he/she said--and hell, maybe she'll outlive me.

So for now, words are words and they stand on their own.
~Becky

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"Science and science fiction have done a kind of dance over the last century... The scientists make a finding. It inspires science fiction writers to write about it, and a host of young people read the science fiction and are excited, and inspired to become scientists...which they do, which then feeds again into another generation of science fiction and science..."
- Carl Sagan, in his message to future explorers of Mars.