Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Sigh.

So for all the complaining I did last year--last fall semester basically--this isn't exactly turning out to be the Best Semester Ever. I'm at odds right now, because I almost don't want to talk about it. And it's not for any questionable reasons--nothing illegal, no dangers of pissing off someone who might stumble upon this, etc, etc. I'm okay in classes and my roommates are great girls. I've made two new friends and NaNo is looking promising. (Actually, in a way, I made two new friends because of NaNoWriMo).

But of course, my dear university here is trying to throw me under the bus and just squash all sense of anticipation and joy.

And in a way, I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to reread this years down the line and be reminded of how much this all sucked. And I also spend so much time worrying about it, I don't want to summarize it and go through a detailed list thereby forcing myself to relieve the worry tenfold.

Looking through my post history and, well, my life, I've noticed that I'm just not very good at dealing with bad things. When something goes off tracks--whether or not I am to blame or whether or not it's the universe being a dick--I just freeze up, duck my head underneath a pillow, and wallow. Ohhhh how I wallow.

And yet there's never going to be a point of my life were things aren't going to go wrong. There's never going to be an age or a time where things won't suck. (And there's never going to be a point of my life where I'll be free of worrying if any of this is counting as double negatives. They're not...next to each other...but in terms of meaning...oh god, IDK, badly written sentences, don't feel like fixing).

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Maybe to try and tell myself to deal with it. Isn't that the point of growing up? Facing the crappy stuff life throws at us rather than jumping off the bridge of despair?

Millennium Girl is in a (literal) drawer at the bottom of my desk. I kept shoving writing stuff in there--stories and essays workshopped by my fiction and nonfiction classes--so I just hid the manuscript and notes alongside the other papers. I've neglected it because I felt so overwhelmed by the initial feedback and my own growing criticism. With Vanguard's Exodus just two days away from being my main project, I shouldn't let these childish apprehensions keep me from moving forward. I have to edit MG and I have to start and finish VE, and I have to revise and edit and revise them both. I don't have any excuses this time. They're not publishable yet, but unlike all the others that came before them, these will have a chance. I shouldn't waste that.

So I don't know. I think this is a reminder to myself: even if things suck next semester--because of one reason or another--and they continue to suck well into my graduation...who cares? I should save the wallowing for the good(?) stuff >>
~Becky

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