Sunday, May 24, 2015

Silliness and Sadness

Now Playing: Metro 2033 OST - Ending Theme

Ugh. I was actually doing so well this week.

Time for me to be all blahhh :I

Post-graduation sadness keeps slamming into me. I keep spacing out, lying down, listening to sad music (like right now), and being annoyed at myself.

I think about dumb stuff. For about a year now, I haven't been able to find this USB of mine that I am fairly certain had a very early copy of Millennium Girl (right before she goes out to confront Ansel--I think) and the first completed draft of Ataraxia. It was attached to a dog tag my parents had made for me when I was thirteen or so, but the dog tag doesn't have my name, it has the name of VE's Amber Jackson--because it's her dog tag. It even has the original name for the voyage. Back then, I'd called it The Gemini Project. It even has Redemption's Bellatrix's identification number from the Memento Camp (If I'm not mistaken, it was ECC 17-18). That all meant a lot to me.

And lately, I've desperately wanted that USB and dog tag back. I keep imagining someone finding it and reading the partial copy of Millennium Girl. I kind of hope if it got lost somewhere, someone just picked it up, tossed away the dog tag and deleted all the contents inside. I don't know where I lost it because I moved around so much during that first year at university, and I haven't seen it since maybe last March or so.

It makes me worry a lot--too much. I don't know why. It's such a silly thing to focus on in the grand scheme of things.

I have to pick up Millennium Girl again soon. VE is going well, but I'm not done yet, and it doesn't feel like I'm writing fast enough.

Despite how quickly I jumped through college and ran to the adult stage, everything related to my writing feels unbearably sluggish. I don't know why I'm in a hurry. Just because I declared nineteen some kind of meaningful age a few months ago doesn't mean it's somehow the time of Change and Wisdom and Talent. It may take me another twenty, thirty years to publish. Or I'll never get there.

I'm starting to see where this desperation came from. I was a student before, and I got by. I've been going through the motions. Go to high school, graduate, move out to college, graduate, apply for jobs, do the interviews, etc.

But now I kind of have to wait for that next step. And being in debt, back at home, worrying about money...

It's been hard to write. The want is there and when the right song kicks in from my playlist, I feel like I could write ten thousand words in two hours. But it's not the same. Because it doesn't even feel like a hobby anymore, it feels like a fruitless endeavor. Like now, I really, truly need a better answer to "why do you write?"

"Because I love it" doesn't feel sufficient anymore. It feels like someone else is saying, "but it's a waste of time."

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm still writing. I'm advancing in VE and it's a mess--even more of a mess than Ataraxia and MG ever were--but it's there, and it's growing, and I'm racing to the finish line (even if it feels like I'm getting super exhausted at a moderately paced jog).

I wish I didn't feel so anxious every time I finished a sentence.

And I wish I knew where that stupid USB and dog tag went. Or even when I lost them.
~Becky

P.S: You know...the caffeine and lack of sleep probably has something to do with it. This happened last year when I was finishing Millennium Girl over the summer too. I didn't sleep at all and if not, I slept till like two in the afternoon. It certainly helps. It only took a few days before I got 100k in Vanguard's Exodus, and with MG, I was writing over 10k a week. But it's not good for my stress level.

...yeah, a 100k...
It's mocking me.
(And the page count is actually higher than that)
-and I still have a million things to get done with that story. This crap's gonna be a doorstopper in desperate need of editing, isn't it?

Anyways, I'm going to try and get back to a regular schedule, even wake up early in the mornings to write and make breakfast and have a few hours to myself.

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