Tuesday, June 9, 2015

In Which Becca Documents Bad Updates of Whatever

I think I call myself "Becca" when I'm mad at myself. Rebeca is too long, Becky's too sweet, and Beck makes me sound like a successful alternative rock musician with a really depressing signature song.

Here are the updates:
  • My friend Maria Gabriela texted me yesterday at 4 am to convince me to watch this show called Sense8 because it's awesome. This is the first time she's ever given me a recommendation and I'd briefly heard about it from David Gaider's tweets, so I started watching it. And it was awesome. But every two minutes or so this stupid voice in my head goes-
    • "You're still unemployed, you know."
    • "You still don't have the permit."
    • "Or know how to drive."
    • "How long are you going to keep being unpleasant to the only people supporting you?"
    • "Seriously, go study for the permit test at least you have more time now."
    • "Mannn, braces are going to look so dumb on you. Hundreds of dollars for a purely cosmetic alteration that'll make you look like a twelve year old until your 20s."
    • "You haven't finished writing VE."
    • "You know what? Don't bother, the science just went off the rails and you were just pulling random km distances and years straight out of nowhere."
    • "I'd say work on MG, but that's not going anywhere."
    • "Right?"
    • "Hey, don't you have books to review?"
    • "You fell behind on your reading challenge. Again."
    • "You know, the Wachowskis really are better when they don't have the time constrains of a movie."
    • "Hang on, you're still unemployed, did I remind you of that already?"
    • "And without your degree. FSU sure does love to take their time..."
    • "Rewind ten minutes, bro, you haven't been paying attention to anything that's happening."
    • "How the shit do I get reference letters for the Kudzu when everyone--editors and head adviser--left both the magazine and the school at the same time you did?"
    • "Okay, this series is really good."
    • "But only one more episode."
    • "I need to study. Or clean. Or write."
  • Last few days, I've watched like five Ellen Page movies and listened to the Beyond Two Souls soundtrack.
    • What does this mean? 
    • I know what it means
    • I miss Lilith. I really, really miss Lilith. She doesn't look like Ellen Page, but a white 5'1 LGBT girl with brown hair and wide brown eyes who looks younger than she is and often plays people with has powers--yeah, she reminds me of Lilith. And seeing her makes me think I should get back to Lilith soon.
    • But I can't. Because I refuse to let VE go unfinished. Not that I know why I'm even trying anymore.
  • I'm slowly planning the perfect overdose via vitamin D gummies. It seems like the most deliciously pathetic/pathetically delicious way to go.
    • I'm just kidding on the overdose--please, no one call an ambulance on me or something.
    • Also I don't even think that's possible 
    • I'd probably just get a massive stomach ache.
    • Don't need to test out that theory, though.
  • I'm trying to write. VE sucks.
  • I'm trying to plan. MG is going to suck for a while.
  • I'm constantly worried about the publishing industry
    • Do people outside of aspiring authors/regular authors read anymore?
    • Are they enough?
  • I'm reading this book called Hounded, from The Iron Druid Chronicles, and I'm really annoyed at the protagonist because he's soooo cool and witty and he comes up with the best retorts ever and he's so funny and charming and never loses his cool.
    • I hope a witch slaps him properly.
  • I can't watch certain movies, hear speeches given to college graduates, or even read author bios off Amazon because it's just a constant reminder of how I'm following this weird scripted set of events where life after college sucks and then you kind of find some happiness after you hit 30 or so.
    • Or that's when you get your midlife crises.
    • Or just...don't find happiness at all.
  • Do you know I haven't hit rock-bottom yet?
    • I haven't. 
    • I'm actually doing pretty well, all things considered
    • ...and yet I'm acting like this--neurotic, anxious, lost, joking about ODing on vitamins.
      • What the hell am I going to do when the worst of all failures inevitably comes?
  • I keep reminiscing about things I've said and done in the past--all the way from a month ago to, like, ten years ago. And it always ends with me burying my face in my hands and trying to find the nearest clean, not-pointy surface to smack my forehead into it.
  • I'm avoiding typing the next thing
  • Why am I avoiding typing the next thing?
  • Shame, probably.
  • I don't even care that I'm totally abusing the use of these bullet points.
  • I got this book mailed to me from a self-published writer I follow on YouTube, and I already know my review of it is going to be pretty harsh because the writing is just not so stellar.
    • Which hurts to think about because she said she was really happy I won the giveaway since I'm always commenting on her videos
    • I could lie.
    • I'm not going to lie.
    • It would be nicer to lie
    • Or just give it a star rating and two lines of, "pretty good, could improve, go ahead and buy it."
    • That's not a lie right?
  • That's not what I'm avoiding.
  • I'm using that to keep avoiding this next thing.
  • Have I mentioned meltdowns? I have them. Too much it seems. 
  • Over the weekend I kind of had a weird episode where I got really angry at something my parents requested me to do. It was bad planning on my part, miscommunication on theirs, plus the anxieties of the fact that this is a thing that I've been postponing for ages now and I didn't want to alter it.
    • It's so dumb I don't want to give details, but basically: I'm a really anxious person. If something goes wrong and I need to fix it, but can't immediately, I start having these weird moments of crippling panic where all I can do is lie down and stare at the ceiling and think over and over again about how and when I'm going to fix it.
    • And then I just run through all the worst-case-scenarios imaginable.
    • Anyways. Basically, I planned to do a thing and I was proud of myself for it. I prepared for it and everything. Then turns out I scheduled it on a day that's not as available as previously thought. Got asked to change it, started preemptively freaking out because I didn't know how difficult that was going to be-
    • But mostly, I was just angry that I tried to be Responsible Adult Who Plans and Executes Things and then just kind of realized I fucked up. Again. Mild fuck-up, but fuck-up nonetheless.
    • Somewhere in Meltdown #3213 my dad said I was acting like a child. 
      • And that...hurt...more than it should have.
      • Cuz I am. I totally am. Acting like a child. Being a child. 
      • Except I'm not a child. 
      • But I sure do seem content with blaming my behavior and circumstances on things that are Not Me. 
    • In the aftermath of that angry blip of yelling and ugly crying, I subsequently discovered just how easy it is to ruin both my parents' Sunday by trying to be as far removed as possible, talking really little and blowing up my eardrums with my music/audiobooks to ignore everything and float through Walmart. 
      • The whole time I kept having this argument in my head that went something like:
        • "What are you doing?"
        • "What we always do. I'm ignoring the problem."
      • And then I realized...that's...still blaming someone else to an extent. Like, "oh not my fault I'm acting childish, you taught me to be that way."
      • No. No, they didn't. You're acting childish because you are childish.
    • All this self-reflecting and realization (plus the lack of sleep) and am I going to apologize? Alter my behavior? 

I don't think I'm there yet. Or know how. Or whatever.

And okay.

There's another reason I keep rewatching Ellen Page movies.

She also has a ponytail during that entire last movie. 

It reminds me even more of Lilith. Anytime after the age of 20, she always uses high ponytails.

P.S: That first movie just reminds me of Lilith because of scenes like this
(It's so adorable and awesome. Adoresome.)

No comments:

Post a Comment

"Science and science fiction have done a kind of dance over the last century... The scientists make a finding. It inspires science fiction writers to write about it, and a host of young people read the science fiction and are excited, and inspired to become scientists...which they do, which then feeds again into another generation of science fiction and science..."
- Carl Sagan, in his message to future explorers of Mars.