Friday, December 4, 2015

Take the Long Way Home

I figured out what to do with the presents.

(I know, I really kept it in suspense there. A whole twenty-four hours? Madness).

There's this episode of Freaks and Geeks that has Lindsay try and go back to her old life. She rejoins the mathletes and goes back to being studious and competitive, all in an effort to reject where she was heading and who she was becoming with her new friends.

But at the end of that episode--simply through self-reflection and a brief look at how her rejection has truly affected the people who've come to care for her--she realizes that trying to go back is impossible because, "it's just not where I'm at anymore. Things are different now."

I get this weird impulse to go back sometimes, to that which--if not great or perfect or whatever--is familiar in some way or another. It's because all I've done this year is try and find a way to keep moving forward. Cut out this toxic person. Graduate. Get a job. Pursue this thing with this person. And then it's felt like it's all blown up on my face.

But though I seriously think of ways to do it, of ways to try, I can't go back. I want to and yet I can't. I just can't.

Don't think I can change in the time it takes to type up a sentence and then hit "publish" on a blog post. But I want to be aware of this, in any way possible.

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"Science and science fiction have done a kind of dance over the last century... The scientists make a finding. It inspires science fiction writers to write about it, and a host of young people read the science fiction and are excited, and inspired to become scientists...which they do, which then feeds again into another generation of science fiction and science..."
- Carl Sagan, in his message to future explorers of Mars.