Sunday, November 27, 2016

Girls has gotten so bad, I can't figure out if the writing is being shitty and nonsensical on accident, or if it's still trying to be uncomfortably . . . uh . . . "true to life". Or whatever its excuse use to be.

Friday, November 11, 2016


Though I did find comfort in my mother's words yesterday, I realized it's not just the fault of an older generations. I know peers my age who barf out the most racist, sexist, homophobic sentiments. Who fancy themselves superior because they haven't been "sheltered" by safe spaces and yet simultaneously believe they're the truly oppressed and misunderstood. Lack of empathy is a transgenerational problem. So is ignorance.

The whole thing made me want to dissappear. Just straight up stop existing for the next four years so I don't have to get daily confirmation that half this fucking country is filled with shit.

But I realized one of the people who was hurt the most by this is the version of me that lives on throughout my ever changing life.

Eight-year old me would have probably cried as much as I have in the past few days. But she wouldn't want me to dissappear.

So I won't.

I guess it's as good a time as any to write about my marginalized death witches.

Lola (heroine) might end up as a manifestation of my anger and fear. It won't be pretty, but to write anything else would be a disservice.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

They both tried to comfort me.

It's like I'm six years old again and just skinned my knee on the sidewalk. They hugged me and stroked my hair and reminded me things get better eventually.

Dad said it might take a while, but eventually the world comes to its senses and things align again.

Mom said it's an old generation gripped by absurd fear and hate that made him win. But they're fading, and when they're gone we'll be here, and we might be able to do better.

Who knows for sure.
I fell asleep at 9, when there was still a chance, because my chest was starting to ache. I didn't want to have to find out slowly.

But I woke up at midnight and checked the updates. Not good, but maybe there's a chance, maybe there's a chance.

Fell asleep and woke up again at 2 in the morning. By then it was official. It hurt more than I thought it would.

I was walking out of my room this morning, getting ready for work, trying to pretend I wasn't fucking terrified. Then I saw my dad in the hallway and I hugged him and he hugged me and I burst out crying.

I'm still crying. I don't know why I ever thought this country--a country I chose to be part of, a country I came to love--would do anything today except dissapoint me.
"Science and science fiction have done a kind of dance over the last century... The scientists make a finding. It inspires science fiction writers to write about it, and a host of young people read the science fiction and are excited, and inspired to become scientists...which they do, which then feeds again into another generation of science fiction and science..."
- Carl Sagan, in his message to future explorers of Mars.